Before Coffee: Cookies

April 30, 2016 § Leave a comment

“I think I’ll bake some cookies,” my wife said this morning. We’re having friends over tonight, so she asked me if I knew what their favorite cookie is.

“I would guess something that ends in ‘cookie,'” I replied, because I am one helpful son of a bitch.

“Chocolate chip cookie, sugar cookie, peanut butter cookie.”

“Yep, everyone likes cookies.” Then, after a moment’s reflection, “Except maybe oatmeal raisin cookies.”

I like oatmeal raisin cookies,” my wife said, leaping to their defense.

“I’m on the fence,” I admitted. “But some people like ’em and some people hate ’em.”

“They’re a polarizing cookie.”

“Possibly the only polarizing cookie.”

And then we spent some time trying to think of another cookie that inspires as much hatred as the oatmeal raisin cookie. We couldn’t come up with one.

Maybe  you can’t eat a certain type of cookie because it turns your face into a grotesque flesh balloon and causes your airways to close up. I suppose you might hate a cookie like that for trying to kill you. That’s fair.

But that’s not why people hate oatmeal raisin cookies. People loathe oatmeal raisin cookies because, at a glance, they look like chocolate chip cookies—the most universally loved cookie of all time. It’s the deception of it that inspires such hatred. Oatmeal raisin cookies are oven-baked lies.

So no, she won’t be baking oatmeal raisin cookies for our friends, because we like them.

You only make oatmeal raisin cookies for the people you hate.



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